What if, you met someone and fell in love. Like really fell hard.
Now, IMAGINE, this person you love is obese. Not fat, not roly poly, not chubby; clinically obese. You don't care, right. I mean, sure, you want the best for this wonderful person but, seriously, who gives a shit, this person is lovely in every way; funny, sexy, warm, true, honest, compassionate, cute, talented, and he or she ADORES you, etc etc etc . And, like some folks with weight issues, this boy/girl does the best he or she can, it's part of their DNA. So.
Imagine this: You call your family, excited as hell, about your new love. You are proud, happy; it's fucking infectious, right. You tell them everything out of pure joy......"she's sexy and funny and holy shit she makes me laugh and she leaves little love notes in my lunch box and she laughs at how awkward I am and she's obese omg she did the sweetest thing for me the other day...."
They interrupt your excitement.. You know where I'm going. Not one motherfucking word was heard, not your happiness, not your joy, not the obnoxious little details love makes one 'in love' spew forth.
"She's what?", they ask.
"She's super funny, I said", you say.
"Not that", they say, sternly now. You know the conversation's turned cold but you're not sure how or why. "She's obese??"
So, not only are they surprised by this ONE little detail, they are also disgusted, astonished, just plain old fucking mean about it. Not only are you devastated by this, you are disgusted by their prejudice, injustice, lack of compassion, lack of love, and the fact they missed the biggest fact of all: You are in love and happy.
Keep imagining this person you are IN LOVE with is not welcomed in any way. Your family doesn't want to meet her, spend time with her and she most definitely will not be spending the holidays under their roof. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Because, according to your family, obesity is wrong, a sin, disgusting, she's a glutton and made a choice and they will not support it.
It sounds pretty fucking ridiculous, right. No one this day and age could be so blind, so judgmental so mean, so unloving; not towards their own child?
I am not obese. I am Gay. And the above did and is happening to me. In the past. Now. In every relationship I've had with another woman. I've NOT spent one holiday with my family if and when I had a Girlfriend. My family (sans one sister) have never, ever met one single woman I was seeing, never asked me about my relationships, always avoided any questions or anything that might bring it up, which, obviously meant ignoring me, as a person.
I've lived with this kind of prejudice, fear, aggression, rejection since I came out over 15 years ago. And it still boggles my mind and breaks my heart. I will not wrap it up with some candy apple quote or melt into a saucy bag of tears. Watch your fucking heart and make sure you're not fucking breaking someone else's with your baggage, fear, and all the other excuses we use to kill one another with.
MJ
You know what? They are your family. They probably tell you how much they love you. But kind of stuff isn't love, it's poison. I know, I come from the same rotten shit. My mother is a total weight Nazi. She will always find the flaws in anyone who is at all different. She has a terrible way of saying "She smokes" or "She's heavy" that makes little things sound like war crimes. Like you describe here, my original family could almost care less if i am happy or if I am about to jump off a ledge. All they care about is convention and outward appearances. For years I suffered. I went through drinking, depression, wanting to die, all of it. Finally, I decided to cut them all out of my life and it's the best thing I ever did. Who cares if your gf is obese, if it's cool by you? All those other qualities matter way more. If she loves you and makes you happy, and treats you right, that's solid gold. When someone is right for you, however they are starts to look beautiful to you...because they ARE beautiful, to you.
ReplyDeleteI love how we call other gays "family", because so many of us have been treated like shit by our bio families. That doesn't mean we can't find family of our own choosing, who really care for us.
Go tell that girl you love her. Fuck anybody who can't see how fine that is.
Thanks baby for this beautiful commentary. I no longer have a GF, tho my ex was a big girl and I didn't care what anyone thought. I used obesity as a metaphor about how I have been treated from my family about being gay. It's all true but the obese part. While, I do have a "good" relationship with my parents, because of lots of hard work, they would still love it if I would just give up on this gay "lifestyle". Anytime I start getting my shit together, they believe my being gay goes out the window along with depression, or drinking or suicidal tendencies; like I can get cured, you know. The holidays are right here, and I wanted to get it out of my system.
ReplyDeleteThank you again, for the wonderful comments. It is nice we can choose our own family. Thanks again for your support and hug across the miles and wires.
xo